Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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