worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
