I just threw up on my dentist
you win again, gameday.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
