I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
