i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
