People in love make me want to vomit
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
