please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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