I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Someone shattered a urinal.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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