The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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