did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
