I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize