in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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