just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
