when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
