Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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