How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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