The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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