he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize