remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
