SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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