Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
