1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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