38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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