Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize