You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
