Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
