I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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