I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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