dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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