Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
