I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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