shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize