I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My balls are so social today.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
