If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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