you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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