No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize