I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
