and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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