It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
