Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
