No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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