I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
