I skipped work to stalk him.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
