If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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