I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
