i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
