i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
