last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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