My girlfriend figured out who you are.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
