Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
wanna go halves on a baby?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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