Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
