True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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