Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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