I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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