After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
