I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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