yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
